I'll always listen to you sing your sweet song

xx 044;

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 20:41:22 GMT

Well, he's gone. Craig left for his tour yesterday. He'll be back in two months, but hopefully he'll be making a pit stop here around Christmas. The apartment's a lot quieter without the perpetual racket that follows him everywhere. I need a parrot or something. Something noisy.

Maybe I'll just pull out the radio again. The thought of a parrot is a little extreme.

Luckily, the semester is almost over, and I've been using the majority of my time lately to study for my finals. I feel like I haven't spoken to anyone lately ~~except for Sully, who asked me over while he was drunk and then tried to.. I don't know, profess his undying love for me or something. He was really drunk. I left.~~ Spinner, give me a call. I could use some bestie time.

xx 043;

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 15:40:12 GMT

Craig's album launch was ~~awkward~~ spectacular, and the album itself has been playing in my stereo on repeat ever since we got back. I've got to admit, it's pretty cool having a rockstar around the apartment, even if he's not going to be here for much longer. Going on tour - albeit, with Justin Timberlake - is a good enough excuse for me. As long as he doesn't attempt to bring sexy back when he comes back.

Of course as soon as we get together, as soon as things have finally calmed down and there's a chance that I might get some semblance of normalcy in my life, he has to leave. Eight weeks isn't that long. Only two months. It could be so much worse. He's doing exactly what he's always wanted to do, and I am so happy for him. I really am. And it's not like he wants to leave me. He asked me to come with him. And I would, if it weren't for school and my job, and not wanting to leave the few friends I've got behind.

I just thought for once I wasn't going to be alone at Christmas.

Anyway, I have major finals studying to do. Marco, call me if you want to meet up and cram. I bought a new coffee maker, one that actually works on a consistent basis. And I even have some of that french vanilla creamer you love so much. Long live bribery.

xx 042;

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 16:07:15 GMT

You can pretty much disregard everything I said in my last entry. Alex and are are not friends, I doubt we will be again, and I honestly don't really care. Last I heard, she was in Vegas with Sean. Getting married. Many happy years. When they come back, they'll be living across town. I couldn't be happier.

Oh, and by the way, Alex? Thanks for sending the pizza, chicken, and lesbian porn to my doorstep. We've graduated. You can stop acting like a kid.

I went into the podiatrist again yesterday evening, he says my ankle's healing up nicely. The car isn't doing so well. I shouldn't have been driving it before Sean had finished fixing it. Not a big deal. I've got a walking cast and weekly physical therapy appointments. I'll be better in no time.

Craig's album drops this week - it's going to be great. ~~I still don't understand why he's taking me as his date instead of Manny. I told him to take her. Not that I'm complaining.~~

xx 041;

Thu, 02 Nov 2006 16:16:59 GMT

Alex and I made up. And, I'm going to be the maid of honor in her and Sean's wedding. I'm excited for both of them. And worried as anything for myself.. if Alex finds out what happened between Sean and I, she'll kill us both. I can't even talk to Craig about it, he just gets irritated. He's completely within his rights to be, too. I keep screwing up. The second she pulls out some ugly dress for me to wear, though, it's all over. I mean it.

A couple days ago I spent some time at the park with Spin. ~~Awkward.~~ It was nice. ~~Discussed our drunken antics from awhile back. I don't remember any of it. Still. Here I just though Sean had gone insane. Guess not. I don't know what to do.~~ I hadn't seen him for awhile ~~now that I think of it, probably because of the aforementioned drunken kiss~~ but hopefully we'll be able to do it again sometime soon.

Everything at school is going really well, although people on campus are getting into the holiday spirit awfully early. It's barely November, aren't we supposed to be.. I don't know, raking leaves and such? If I see one more house with Christmas lights up before Thanksgiving, I think I'm going to explode.

xx 040;

Wed, 25 Oct 2006 15:40:18 GMT

I spent the weekend catching up on my classwork. I've been falling behind on my calculus, and that's usually where Marco gives me a hand but whatever. I can't expect him to tutor me through my college years.

Besides, it's not like I've had a whole lot of things on my social calendar to commit to. Anyone who wasn't at the Dot on Friday missed an amazing dramatic performance from Manny ~~and watching my life as I knew it collapse at my feet~~. Craig and I are okay. Jay and I are.. not so much. Whatever. I screwed up, I lost someone, it's just something that happens I guess. Keeping a choke-hold on life never helped before, so I'm just accepting it and moving on.

I'm not going to date for awhile. I've got so many more important things to focus on. Doing well this semester is huge for me, and that means no distractions. Or at least, as few as possible. I just got assigned to cover the boys' opening soccer game for the school paper - what a completely wrong match for me, right? I was going to be there anyway to "cheer" Sully on, so at least I'm not going out of my way. If anyone else is interested in tagging along, I can probably get ahold of some discounted student tickets. Just let me know.

The quality of my week has, apparently, struck some sort of weird balance for this place, because between Jess and Sully's baby girl being born ~~in the ravine of all places. How oddly appropriate for her~~ and Sean and Alex getting engaged~~? I don't know what he's thinking. And pretending to be happy for his sake is a lot more tiresome than I thought it was going to be.~~ it seems like everyone's been getting really great news.

I've got grocery shopping to do. Later.

xx 039;

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 07:01:32 GMT

I screw everything up.

xx 038;

Sun, 15 Oct 2006 17:44:24 GMT

Busy week.

Mr. Manning has returned to town and is crashing with me for awhile. He's.. not doing too well. Touring wasn't the best thing for him. I feel awful - I was the one who sent him off in the first place. So I'm going to help him through this. Get him back on his feet. Having him around isn't too awful. Feel free to stop by the apartment and say hey.

Paige was kind enough to donate some of her Thanksgiving leftovers to my empty stomach. Yeah, I was surprised too. Her mother makes great mashed potatoes. It was a lot better than having Ben and Jerry's for dinner. ~~And at the end she kissed me. What the freaking hell. After I say how happy I am with Jay. I just want things to be reasonably simple for once. Once! Is that completely impossible.~~ Her roomate sounds pretty cool. With any luck, she'll rub off on the princess, right?

Alex crashed here for the night. And hey, there's not even any blood on the carpet. You all should be so proud. Sean's in jail. I honestly don't know what's going on, so I'm not going to start spreading information that could be false. We're all doing what we can to get him out. Anyone know of a good, cheap lawyer?

Jay, call me when you get the chance?

xx 037;

Tue, 10 Oct 2006 04:04:30 GMT

The apartment's really quiet. I like it this way. Gives me time to concentrate on my homework. Marco's been by a few times, just doing his good friend business. Keeping me from turning into a complete hermit. I've taken on a few extra hours at work. I'm trying to get into the university newspaper. Everything's fine.

I guess the news about Jay and me is out, and whatever. Last time I checked, I wasn't required to explain myself to anyone. Most awkward night of my life. As if it weren't bad enough walking in on the aftermath of Alex and Sean's rendezvous. Jay seemed as angry as I was.. which was confusing. I mean, he and Alex have been over for months.

It's hard, I guess, seeing Sean and Alex in a relationship, an actual relationship. Saying that they love each other. That was quick. I don't even know if Jay and I stand in terms of a relationship. It's not like we've actually gone out or anything. Maybe that's for the best? I don't know.

Curiously enough, Sean and I are okay. We ran into each other and figured it was best to just talk it out and get it over with. So that's that. We might even be less dysfunctional than we were before the entire incident.

Alex Nunez, however, better stay the hell away from me.

Speaking of people I no longer associate with, Spin and I had a nice drinking-Ashley-away evening back last week. Cupcakes and everything. I.. don't remember what happened. All I know is that when I went to sleep he was still there, and when I woke up he was gone. Not that anything could have actually happened. We're just friends. Best of. Besides, he would have told me if something was off. Haven't seen him since. We should fix that.

Sully and I hung out for awhile last night. It was nice seeing him again. He's driving me crazy. Telling me how much he loves me, then telling me he's going to get back together with Jess. And that if they get together again, it's going to be for good. I will never be able to stand the thought of the two of them together, whether she's having his kid or not. I don't care what he says, if it weren't for her we'd still be together.

~~Right now though, I really just want to be happy with what I have. And I am. Who would have thought that Jay Hogart would make me happy?~~

My parents didn't call with any plans for Thanksgiving, so it ended up just being me and a supersized meal from McDonalds. Not a bad deal, saves me from awkward dinner conversation and having to tell them the same things about school over and over again.

Happy holiday.

xx 036;

Sun, 08 Oct 2006 17:13:56 GMT

Let me be the first to announce that Alex Nunez is, apparently, no longer a lesbian.

Go figure.

I at least feel vindicated, having thrown her shit out the window and changing the locks.

I don't miss her.

xx 035;

Mon, 25 Sep 2006 14:47:39 GMT

The fridge is empty again. Alex? It's your turn. If you make me go shopping again I promise the only thing we will have to eat for the next week will be saltines and ice cream, and I won't even get the kind you like.

School's started, and it's definitely proving to be a lot more hectic than I thought it was going to be. The commute to UoT isn't bad, though I admittedly could do without the creepy old men staring at me on the bus. Most of my time the past couple weeks has been spent either at class or at work. Or with Jay? I actually really enjoy spending time with him. Weird, right. It's just the sneaking around part that sucks. I can't stop thinking about how much it would hurt Sean if he knew. And Alex? I try not to think so much about what her reaction would be, because it involves me being ripped to shreds.

Sully threw a notoriously sullyesque yacht party yesterday. It was a nice time, aside from the emotional bomb I had dropped on me by my best friend and the utter skankyness of a select few of the partygoers.

..Oh wait. That was really all there was to it, wasn't it? Guess it wasn't such a nice time afterall. My mistake. I despise boats.

I don't know what Spin was thinking, trying to have a relationship with her. It was obvious that she's still into Sully, even before Sean and I caught her practically trying to launch herself into his pants. Is there something in the London water that just turns people slutty? She'd better come clean to Spin soon, or I'll do it for her.

I was proud of Sully, though. He actually did the right thing for once.

xx 034;

Mon, 18 Sep 2006 14:46:45 GMT

Mm. Rough evening.

Classes are going fine.

Sean came over for awhile.

It's over. All of it. For real this time.
I feel like I was using him.
God, I'm such a slut.

I know I made the right deciaion.

I need to stop missing him.

I think I'm going to the roof.

xx 033;

Mon, 04 Sep 2006 03:08:08 GMT

It's so exciting, having my dad home. He flew in on Wednesday and I've been spending most of my time with him since he got here. My mother doesn't even seem to know what to do with herself - she's been doing more cooking and cleaning in the past week than I've seen her do since we moved here. But she's so happy, and completely sober. It's great to see her like this. And it's great to have him back.

I signed up for my classes earlier this week. Mainly English and journalism classes for the first semester, plus one history class. I had no idea how expensive classes were. I don't even want to think about how bad books are going to be.

Sean stopped by for awhile on Friday. I kicked his ass on xbox. He underestimated my mad skills. And we ended up having sex on the couch. Definitely wasn't expecting that.. but not regretting it either, you know? I guess I missed him more than I thought. But we both know that a relationship isn't in the picture for us, not now. We've tried too many times. I just.. wish I would stop thinking about it.

I miss Billy. Think I might make Jay bring him by soon.

xx 032;

Wed, 23 Aug 2006 18:19:01 GMT

I got a call from Mom last night. I can't remember the last time I heard her so happy. My dad's coming home. Next week. And he couldn't have come back at a better time. It turns out what people say is true: the only man a girl can really depend on is her daddy. I've missed him so much. And I hate being in that stupid apartment without Sean. Paige has been keeping Alex occupied. They probably wouldn't even notice if I headed home for awhile. Or permanently. They always wanted to share a place with Marco and Dylan anyway. Sean's gone and it sucks. It's not worth lying over. But I'm sure he's having a good time staying with Jay. And I think if Jay had spent one more day with only Billy to interact with, he might have really lost it. So it's good for both of them.

Speaking of which. Mr. Hogart and I made some delicious pancakes last week. In his backyard, of all places. Did you know that compactable skillets exist? Because they do. And they're amazing. As were the pancakes. What a confusing kid. I can never tell when he's kidding or not. But I don't think he's as bad as Alex says. He's actually pretty sweet. And he's a good kisser. Not that I could ever let her find out that I thought so. Or Sean. Or.. anyone.

Classes start at University of Toronto next month, and that's where I'm headed. NYU was just.. too far away, too expensive and way too prestigious for me to live up to. And the thing that was most appealing about it is staying behind, too. I've been trying to just comphrehend how Sully managed to fuck up so badly, but I can't even process it. A baby. What was he thinking? What were they thinking? And now they're together. Sully and Jess. Barf.

Spin, you and me, crappy movie marathon asap. We have best friend time that needs to be caught up on.

xx 031;

Wed, 16 Aug 2006 03:45:31 GMT

So. A girl walks into the store this afternoon and asks me where she could find any vinyl for "Iron Maid". My day has pretty much followed suit from there. I just got home from work and the only upside is that it smells like maybe Sean ordered in Chinese food.

He came back. ~~It's.. awkward. I mean, it's great, having him back, it's just.. hard. Knowing he's here, but he's not here with me. It's all my fault. I don't even know what I want.~~

I went to the park with Spinner yesterday, walking the dogs. Got to witness a blowup between Ash and Sully. Let's hope they can work it out, right kids? ~~Is it bad that I was happy to see it happen? Probably. I don't really care anymore.~~ They're just too perfect for each other, it'd kill me to see them throw that away. ~~If she treats Spin like she did Sully.. I'll hurt her. I really will. I don't trust her.~~

I can't believe the summer's almost over. Alex, I trust you're planning one last blowout before term starts up again? Maybe Jay'll even come out of hiding for it. :P

xx 030;

Thu, 03 Aug 2006 12:30:15 GMT

When I took the job at the record place, I assumed I'd be working with a bunch of self-righteous elitist music snobs. You know the type. Saying every obscure band is wonderful and underrated and any band that's known by more than five people has sold out.

Yeah, I was right. But I'm finding it surprisingly enjoyable. I like being around music, and people with opinions about it. It's small and quiet. And no one knows me there. It's like getting a fresh start. And given recent events, I could definitely use one. So I'm trying to get as many hours in as I possibly can. I'm just hoping it doesn't end up turning bad ~~like everything else~~.

I'm over my head, out of her head she sang.

xx 029;

Sun, 30 Jul 2006 01:35:24 GMT

Alex is at work again. Sean's at Paige's place. It feels empty in here.

I should have known from the first time that Ashley screwed Craig over that trusting her wasn't the best idea. Kissing my ex, feeding lies to.. well, my other ex. She's already starting to dig her claws into Spinner. I haven't felt this alone in a long time.

I got the job at the record store. It starts on Monday. I think I'm going to like it there, if nothing else it'll give me a reasonable distraction. And the pay is good. I'm hoping to eventually save up enough to get a car. I have a little.

Jay, if you get some free time? I could really use some pancakes.

Package; E-mail

Sat, 22 Jul 2006 19:14:00 GMT

INSIDE THE BIG MYSTERIOUS CARDBOARD BOX..

Spinnerty,

Happy 18th birthday!! I thought this would get you through the afternoon.
I have my job interview tonight at the record store, but you should stop by tonight..
around 9? I have Clown Academy 2 and a very messy cake waiting for you.

Call me.

Love Ellery.

&EMAIL.

From: Ellie N.
To: All Contacts BUT Spinner;
Subject: PARTY TONIGHT.

Surprise party for Spin tonight. My place. 8:45. Cake and ice cream. Be there.

..Tell him and die.

--Ellie

((Chat tonight whenever the most people are on. Most likely will start around 11pm-12am EST.))

xx 028;

Thu, 20 Jul 2006 07:05:55 GMT

Wow, Jay Hogart certainly is amazing.

Can I have my pancakes now?

Ahem. To be continued.

xx 027;

Tue, 18 Jul 2006 22:28:29 GMT

Hah, so I completely called it when I said I wasn't a rave sort of girl. Not that I had a horrible time ~~aside from Sean practically running a drug deal right in front of me.~~ It's just all the lights, the bad techno. It was overwhelming, to say the least. Going home at the end of the night was a good feeling. Not to mention the fact that Sean was so angry with me practically the entire night because I hung out with Sully for.. what, five minutes? Maybe a little longer. But it's not like anything serious even happened. I love Sean. I wouldn't lie about that. Things are just really complicated right now. Everything's happening really fast.

I have a job interview tomorrow. For that little record store, the one down the road from the Dot. Wish me luck.

My bestie's birthday is next week. ~~I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO GET HIM.~~

I met Jay's new roomie last night. He's adorable. And he smells better than Jay, and his room is better furnished. ~~Jay obviously talked to Sean about me, but won't tell me what he said. When the hell did he suddenly develop morals?~~ I didn't get any pancakes, though. Next time?

Speaking of new roomies, Alex is coming to stay with Sean and me. I need to go help him move his things.

xx 026;

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 20:49:42 GMT

I hate McDonalds. And most of the people who dine there. The group of us yesterday decided that it's Pizza Hut from here on out.

Sully, I meant it when I said I wanted your stuff out of here. Come get it. Or send Nate to get it. Hell, send Jess to get it, I don't care, I just want it out. ~~I can't stand still having a piece of him here, but I can't throw it out either.~~ Now, or I'm giving it to Spinner and letting him burn it. He's asked twice now and the offer is incredibly tempting. Bonfire, anyone?

The past few days have been rotten, and I don't feel particularily compelled to explain why. Come on kids, you have brains. And ears. But right now, I'm honestly feeling happy. Happy! And not anxious or frustrated or wondering where my boyfriend has dissapeared off to and who he might be with and what they might be doing.

Because I know Sean's out at the grocery store getting us more ice cream. And when he comes back, we'll probably watch some bad TV and eat it all and fall asleep on the couch. And that's completely fine with me.

xx 025;

Tue, 11 Jul 2006 16:14:04 GMT

Took it from Sean. I couldn't resist.

If you had me alone, locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you have me do? All comments will be permanently screened because it's a secret. Details, please!

xx 024;

Mon, 10 Jul 2006 16:50:20 GMT

Spinner threw Sean and me an impromptu housewarming party last night. It was slightly more eventful than I had anticipated.

Sully, you left some of your shit at my place. It's by the door. I'm throwing it out if it's not gone by tonight. Oh. And your car. Might want to get that too. ~~Who ever thought Liberty would be good for anything?~~

And Jay, if you're free tonight? I'd kill for some more pancakes.

xx 023;

Fri, 07 Jul 2006 15:23:23 GMT

Went on a really nice date a couple days ago. So yes, Sully and I are trying to work things out. Don't even start, I don't want to hear it. It's obvious none of our friends are going to support the relationship, so I guess it's up to us to support ourselves. It's hard. Spinner and I haven't really talked since I told him about the date. And Sean.. well. Sully and I shouldn't have fallen asleep on the couch. I haven't seen Sean since he left for work yesterday morning. Without speaking to me.

Sean, I restocked the groceries yesterday afternoon. Lots of junk food and ice cream? :]

The bonfire Ash threw was nice. I hadn't seen everyone together like that for awhile. And I got to drive a BMW. Hah.

xx 022;

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 15:41:27 GMT

I'm lame and bored. So sue me.

Snatched from paige_tv.

What is your perspective of me? Using a candybar doll maker make a doll of me from what you remember of my looks and post it here in the comments. Once you've posted here, ask the same in your own journal and see what your friends think you look like! Here's the link: Click Me.

Real post soon.

((Sorry to everyone who's tried to start a conversation with me between 12-2 for the past couple of days.. I've had a bad case of falling-asleep-on-the-keyboarditis. I've set AIM to moo everytime I get a message now, so hopefully that will keep me up. ;] ))

xx 021;

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 00:25:29 GMT

I'm all moved into Sean's place. It's great to be back. I couldn't think of a place where I'd be happier. I'm going to start looking around for a summer job - Mom's insisting on covering my share of the rent and essentials as long as I'm still in school, but I'm covering my expenses past that.

Hung out with Craiggers yesterday. He likes weird ice cream. We need to hang out again before he goes back to Vancouver, I've missed the kid.

Got some more mail from NYU yesterday. I've got until the 17th to get a response about the fall semester back to them. I'm still thinking. Lots of thinking.

Talked to Sully a couple of days ago.. I think we're going to give it another shot. We're going on a date tonight - an actual date date, with dinner and everything. I bought a dress I could barely afford. Thank God for graduation money. I haven't told anyone except for Alex, and Sean.. he wasn't happy. I didn't expect him to be. I just feel like maybe this is one of those relationships that you've got to chase down, you've got to work to make it work. I want it to work.

Call me if you'd like to hang out this week.